Both partners in a relationship are usually in touch with their own parents, and although this is usually a great support for them, it can sometimes cause difficulties. Relationship problems may arise where, say the parents of Partner A do not approve of their son/daughter's partner, and conflict arises.
The dilemma that Partner A has is to keep both relationships going without losing either his/her parents or his/her partner. It may take quite a lot of skill to balance this situation, for example not challenging either the partner or the parents too heavily when they express their opinion of the other, and managing to keep the peace at times when the two antagonistic parties meet.
Christmas and birthdays may be a particularly tense time for partners in this position. One trap to avoid is talking negatively about one party to the other, because a kind of amplification process may build up, in which the person being talked to begins to sense that they can win the battle and detach the partner from the other party.
If you are forced to make a decision between partner and parents, this can be difficult, and your decision will have to depend on how much is at stake (e.g. the welfare of your children) and on how much you value your partner and your parents.
Other relationship problems with families of origin (in-laws) is when Partner A's parents want to be a controlling influence in the relationship, especially where the rearing of children is involved. Their advice may be very good, but when Partner B (often the male in this situation) is bypassed in making important decisions about the children, for example about education or religion, he may feel neglected and resent it.
This situation may arise especially when children are very young, and their mother is insecure about parenting. The father may feel really out of touch, and either becomes a non-participant parent or fights for his parental influence, with negative consequences for the relationship.
The best relationship advice, as is often the case, is for both partners to act as a team, to consult each other as much as possible and to discuss Partner A's mother's advice together before deciding whether to follow it.
Case example
Liam (45) is married to Siobhan (42) and. they have two boys, aged 10 and 8. Liam's mother, who has not worked outside the home, used to be very close to Siobhan, meeting her regularly to take the children out, and giving the children presents. There was a serious argument, however, between her and Siobhan, and Siobhan has now refused to see Liam's mother without Liam being present. The mother is very upset by this, and puts pressure on Liam to arrange meetings with Siobhan and the children.
In therapy the couple agreed that it would be sensible for Liam to see his mother alone on a regular basis, and to arrange frequent family meetings including her, himself, his wife and children.
The mother was not completely satisfied by this arrangement, but accepted it, and at the eldest son's first communion there was a pleasant family gathering with all attending. The important thing in this case is that the couple worked out their strategy and then put it into practice with Liam's mother and the children.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
How I Finally Quit Smoking For Good
I remember my first cigarette. I was in the woods of the local golf course with three or four other 15-year-olds. The first drag made me feel sick and giddy. But, like an idiot, I stuck with it and pretty soon I was indeed stuck with it - a 25-a-day habit that would, over the following 23 years, cost me thousands of pounds, make me smell revolting, and give me a wheeze that sounded like the massed pipes of the Royal Navy.
The first time I tried to quit smoking was on National No-Smoking Day. By 11 o'clock I was a wreck. By ten past I was smoking. So I trotted out the usual smokers' excuses: it's the pressure of my work ...I don't really smoke that many... it's just something to do with my hands... I couldn't have a drink or a meal without a cigarette.
At first I was wary of any "cold turkey" how to quit smoking programs. I figured that it was just a mind game, a trick. But reluctantly I started to focus on the choice that comes with every cigarette, eliminating the automatic flipping open of my pack of Rothmans. Did I really want to go on smoking? Wouldn't I prefer to give up coughing and wheezing? I started to deal with my habit one moment at a time. Logic entered into a subject that had always been dealt with on an emotive basis. I started to feel in control. The first few weeks were tough, but recognizing that feeling uncomfortable was a critical and positive part of the quitting process made all the difference.
I had previously tried to quit smoking for good by cutting down gradually over a period of time. I realise now that I was trying to get rid of the desire - and why I was so unsuccessful! I thought at first that any stopping smoking techniques would also help me get rid of the desire and that because I was still having these feelings I couldn't be using the program properly.
I'm one of those people whose pain threshold is very low and I'll do anything to avoid it and protest loudly if I can't. Among other things, what any good quit smoking program requires is that you accept the pain! This idea had never occurred to me before. For me, it made all the difference when I acknowledged the desire instead of being frightened that I would immediately have a cigarette. In other words, I had a choice.
What helped the most was when I treated the desire - the voice nagging at me to have a cigarette - like a little child who needs attention. All the child needed was not to be ignored but to be given sympathy, love and attention.
Now. some three and a half years later, the choice of whether to smoke or not arises far less frequently, and has become much easier to deal with. I don't feel smug - just pleased. I'm in control of my life and I'm not smoking - not at the moment.
It took me a while but I finally learnt how to quit smoking. After several failed attempts I now choose to no longer smoke cigarettes. I managed to quit smoking for good by following a few simple tips on how you think and feel about cigarettes and the choices you make about smoking. Want to know how I did it?
The first time I tried to quit smoking was on National No-Smoking Day. By 11 o'clock I was a wreck. By ten past I was smoking. So I trotted out the usual smokers' excuses: it's the pressure of my work ...I don't really smoke that many... it's just something to do with my hands... I couldn't have a drink or a meal without a cigarette.
At first I was wary of any "cold turkey" how to quit smoking programs. I figured that it was just a mind game, a trick. But reluctantly I started to focus on the choice that comes with every cigarette, eliminating the automatic flipping open of my pack of Rothmans. Did I really want to go on smoking? Wouldn't I prefer to give up coughing and wheezing? I started to deal with my habit one moment at a time. Logic entered into a subject that had always been dealt with on an emotive basis. I started to feel in control. The first few weeks were tough, but recognizing that feeling uncomfortable was a critical and positive part of the quitting process made all the difference.
I had previously tried to quit smoking for good by cutting down gradually over a period of time. I realise now that I was trying to get rid of the desire - and why I was so unsuccessful! I thought at first that any stopping smoking techniques would also help me get rid of the desire and that because I was still having these feelings I couldn't be using the program properly.
I'm one of those people whose pain threshold is very low and I'll do anything to avoid it and protest loudly if I can't. Among other things, what any good quit smoking program requires is that you accept the pain! This idea had never occurred to me before. For me, it made all the difference when I acknowledged the desire instead of being frightened that I would immediately have a cigarette. In other words, I had a choice.
What helped the most was when I treated the desire - the voice nagging at me to have a cigarette - like a little child who needs attention. All the child needed was not to be ignored but to be given sympathy, love and attention.
Now. some three and a half years later, the choice of whether to smoke or not arises far less frequently, and has become much easier to deal with. I don't feel smug - just pleased. I'm in control of my life and I'm not smoking - not at the moment.
It took me a while but I finally learnt how to quit smoking. After several failed attempts I now choose to no longer smoke cigarettes. I managed to quit smoking for good by following a few simple tips on how you think and feel about cigarettes and the choices you make about smoking. Want to know how I did it?
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